Alright, I haven't been here in forever. At least it would seem that way from my perspective. A lot had changed and the dawn of the new era is before us. And by us I mean me, my wife and my beautiful son born in August. He is also the reason why I didn't write a damned thing for past half a year. And now, I have a hell of a lot to write about. Not that I didn't have before but the time-out kind of pressed it all in the back of my mind and it is about ready to burst.
So, as you might expect, recent changes kind of shifted my perspective and priorities. So among other things, I will share the experience of being a stay-at-home dad. And it will be in my typical erratic ENTP alchemist kind of way. And starting point is right now.
Life and death responsibility
There is a lot written about the pregnancy and stuff around it. I'll just leave it to someone else to sketch it out fully. The entire experience is probably different for everyone. There are few moments that might come up that will surprise you and get you unprepared and you might not find anything about it anywhere.
The blood tests of my wife in first trimester came back and the values were off. We got a recommendation to visit the genetic specialist because we had a heightened probability of a developmental disorder. So, we went there because it is always better to know. The specialist had a line of questions about our families and diseases and when she went through it she proposed two methods of diagnosis - the amniocentesis and Chorionic villus sampling. The first one is more invasive and carries a higher risk of miscarriage and fetus damage (1:1600), the other on has a low reliability. One in sixteen hundred is a risk you don't want normally to take with your child's life, however the thing they would be looking for is T18 or Trisomy of 18th chromosome, also known as an Edwards syndrome. She gave us some basic info about the procedure and the disability we were in danger of, than sent us home to think about it. We looked it both up and were petrified. She said the EdS is serious but until we read up on it we didn't understand how bad it is.
It is one of the worst things that can happen. It means heavy body and mental retardation and it is considered a fatal condition. That means 92% of the children that actually make it to the birth will die before the first year, and less than 1% will survive to the age of 10. The median lifespan is 5-15 days. And chance for a less severe or partial variant is about 5%. The time for which the baby lives, it will suffer from pain caused by an organ malfunction and deformity and therefore will be kept under morphine until the failure of the vital functions.
The choice was clear. Amniocentesis is was. We had to wait for some time before the test result will be back so we could think. There wasn't really a decision to be made but it was still hard to come to terms with it. If the child was to be diagnosed with the T18, we would go for abortion. I would not watch my baby suffer before the slow but inevitable end. There would be no point in it and any other decision would be just a cowardice and trying to avoid making a decisive move. Nothing can make you aware of the depth of your responsibility for the child as standing in the face of a possible choice to kill him.
The results came back and said that the baby is alright. When my son was born we find out that the blood test oddities were caused by his right hand, which lacked a finger and had one immobile. If you get to a situation like that you will also find out what it means to be the pillar of the family. As my father-in-law said "you can tell who is a real man when they face a situation like that." You will be the one who has to act as the family needs. There is no-one else to shift responsibility to. There is no way to step away from it. So don't try, be a man and face it. Do what is necessary.
When I noticed his hand was malformed I realized that going emotional would serve no purpose and would only stress out the vulnerable - my hormones pumped-up volatile wife and newborn son. So I assessed the damage to his hand and thought about how much it will affect him. After it, I told my wife about it as calmly and casually as I could, and tried (and succeeded) to diminish the severity of the deformation. Noting that many people lose some fingers during life (like my grandfather) and have to adjust to that (which baby born that way will not have to) helped to put it into the perspective. As your own man you could have broke down over stuff, you could pity yourself and whatever. As a father you will always have to think of the family first. It is not hard actually. You just have to accept this and realize it so you wont hesitate when the time comes.
Becoming a father is one of the deepest and most fundamental changes in your life. At least becoming a father that is worth something is. And it is wonderful and scary. You are put through a real test that cannot be avoided. You either hold and stand your ground or get crushed. And if you win, you are stronger for it.
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